COPYRIGHT@GERRYROSE

 Jilly turned up at Babs’ house with a basket of goodies. She stood a few doors down from her friend’s house and when Eliot emerged and walked to his car, she approached him. He struck her as a confident, attractive man.

‘Hi Elliot, I am Jilly.’

 Elliot smiled and embraced her.

‘How is your mother this morning?’

‘Well she made an effort to get up and make me some breakfast. I am worried that she is eating very little. I told her that I loved her and from now on I would be making more effort. I promised her that I would call her every week on a Wednesday as I drove home from the office.’

 Jilly smiled and hoped that this was the start of a better relationship for Babs with her son who obviously cared a lot about his mother.

‘That’s wonderful Elliot. I have breakfast for your mother in this basket and I will be making sure that she takes care of herself.’

‘Thanks Jilly. I am so grateful for your help with this.’

‘Let’s keep in touch Elliot.’

‘It is great to think that mum has someone who has her back.’

 She waited until 5 minutes after Eliot had left.  As she knocked on Babs’ door she wondered what she might encounter. Babs opened the door and Jilly could tell that she was putting a brave face on and was dressed, all be it not to her usual standards.

‘Hi Babs.’

Jilly embraced her friend and stepped into the house. Jilly was struck by the feeling that Babs was probably going through the motions and pretending to be ok.  

‘Jilly thanks for all you have done. I literally owe my life to you.’

‘Thanks Babs but you would have done the same for me. Now have you had breakfast?’

‘No not really, I wanted to get up and say goodbye to Elliot and make sure he ate something before his long drive.’

‘Well I have some delicious Danish pastries and Croissants from the Hove Patisserie. I have coffee with me or would you prefer tea?’

‘I think a coffee would be good to give me a kick start. I usually drink tea.’

‘Ok, you sit down in your sitting room and rest and I will lay your kitchen table. I have brought some lovely jam with me, that my friend Suzy makes. Let’s indulge ourselves!’

Jilly busied herself. She had brought a cheerful yellow table cloth with her and matching plates and cups. She even brought juice glasses, cutlery, napkins and had decanted some milk into a little yellow jug. She had made up a posy of flowers from her garden and had placed them in a jam jar. The Danish pastries and croissants which were still warm, were in a basket which was lined with a white linen napkin. When Jilly felt that everything looked perfect she called Babs through to the kitchen. When Babs saw the effort that Jilly had gone to, she burst into tears.

‘Come on Babs lets have breakfast.’

‘Everything looks so perfect Jilly and what an effort you have gone to for an old fool like me!’

‘Less of the old fool! You have been through a hard time.’

Babs sat down and looked a little frail.

Jilly offered her the basket and Babs chose a croissant. Jilly asked her if she wanted butter, but Babs just helped herself to some of the jam. Jilly had poured the coffee into their cups and offered Babs some milk but Babs was happy to have it black. Jilly indulged herself and had a Danish pastry. She made small talk whilst they ate.

‘I don’t suppose the food in the hospital was very appetizing.’

‘No it was not.’

‘What have you done about food since Elliot has been staying?’

‘I haven’t had the greatest appetite, so the first night Elliot ordered a takeaway Chinese from Danny’s in the Portland Road. I didn’t eat much of it. Then the following day I suggested we defrosted a Chilli that I had in the freezer. He ate most of it. He cooked on the third night, he did a nice Chicken Thai green curry with rice. I was impressed but my appetite remains pretty poor.’

‘How is the croissant?’

‘Lovely and the jam is delicious.’

‘Good, so what was it like having Elliot here?’

‘I felt incredibly guilty and stupid about what I had done Jilly.’

‘Ok but people do things they regret when they are upset. You were upset. Do you think Eliot knew why?’

‘Not really.’

‘He loves you Babs, but perhaps he is a bit torn between you and his wife. A lot of men are not that good at multi-tasking. Some tend to be only able to focus on one thing at a time.’  

After breakfast Jilly suggested that Babs sat in the sitting room whilst she cleared the table and washed up. There were croissants and Danish pastries left over. Jilly placed them in the bread bin. She checked the fridge to see what food was left. She saw that there was cheese and milk but very little other food. Jilly opened the cupboards and spotted some staples such as baked beans. The fruit bowl was looking a little sad as it contained a solitary apple and a satsuma that was probably a bit dry. Jilly felt it was important that Babs had some food which was quick and easy to make but was nutritious. She made a list of foods that would come under this category in one of her many notebooks that were always to be found in her handbag.  

 Jilly found Babs sitting underneath a plug- in blanket. These heated blankets were the friends of older people who wanted to be warm but didn’t want to heat the whole house. Jilly thought Babs looked a little older and more vulnerable than she usually did. Jilly guessed there was always a tipping point for some older people, one day they are living life to the full and then something happens like a fall and they sort of shrink, shrivel and look and sound old. Jilly knew that this wasn’t inevitable, but despite eating well, socialising and exercising, some people would have little control over how they would decline. Just the thought of this made Jilly want to scream at the injustice of it all.

‘How are you doing Babs? Would you like a cup of tea?’

‘I’m ok Jilly. That breakfast was so delicious and so stylish Jilly. I think you should open your own interiors shop. I didn’t recognise my own kitchen table. You have been so lovely to me and I don’t deserve it.’

’You do. You have been so kind to me and have made my move to Hove so much nicer and now I think of you as a close friend Babs.’

‘Yes, and you are the sort of friend that everyone should have.’

Jilly felt that while they were talking about friends it was the right time to talk about her idea which she now called ‘a circle of support’. She felt she needed to be open with Babs.

‘Babs I know that you will be receiving support from the Community Psychiatric Nurses, but I think you need a network of support which is more informal. I know you have lots of friends in Hove but how many of them know what has gone on over the last few weeks?’

‘None of them.’

‘And is that how you would like to keep it?’

‘Yes Jilly I am so ashamed of what I did. I am the one who is there to support other people and I end up doing something stupid like this.’

‘Are you going to do it again?’

‘Elliot asked me that.’

‘And what was your reply?’

‘I told him that I didn’t feel that I had any purpose in life anymore.’

‘Is that how you really feel?’

‘Yes.’

‘I think that is how you feel at the moment, but things change and this might just be something that you feel now but things could change.’

‘The trouble is Jilly, is that people talk a lot of bullshit about ageing well. Society has as many prejudices about older people, as it does about people with protected characteristics. Ageing is not a protected characteristic. We become invisible and phrases like batty old woman, old codger, and crone are rife. I don’t think men get away either, they are called grumpy old men and old gits.’

‘How are you going to find purpose?’

‘I don’t know and please don’t suggest that I become a volunteer.’

‘Ok, but when did you feel that you had the most purpose in your life?’

Jilly noted that Babs paused and considered this question for a few minutes before answering.

‘When I was raising my children and working. I always felt that I was juggling but looking back I just loved it.’

 Jilly could relate to this. She also recognised that once the children had left home it was hard to find a purpose. The empty nest was hard for couples, but even harder for single women and possibly men too. Jilly did not know how to instil purpose in Babs’ life. Jilly just sat with her friend and considered and thought about what Babs had revealed. She knew that she could not really change Babs’ point of view. She did feel that she could just support her gently by being available, checking in on her and meeting up with her for cups of tea, coffee, or something stronger. She hoped that over the next few weeks she could persuade Babs to embrace the idea of a circle of support. Jilly did not feel that it was something she could push for. Over the next few weeks Jilly would find the burden of being Bab’s biggest source of support was quite onerous