COPYRITE@GERRYROSE

Sue arrived early and bagged the table near the back which had comfortable chairs and afforded a bit of privacy. She ordered a cappuccino. Sue loved coming to this café because the staff were so friendly and welcoming. She sipped her coffee and kept an eye on the door. She saw Jilly enter the café and it was as if she was bringing a whole new vibe to the place. Her hair, her make-up and her clothes were just so beautiful and perfect. Jilly was the sort of woman that you really wanted to hate, but you could not because she was charming and warm. Sue waved at Jilly and rose to greet her.
‘Jilly how lovely to meet you again. What would you like to drink? This is on me by the way.’
Sue noted that Jilly had such a genuine smile and was so elegant and exuded grace. Sue found it hard to understand why Jilly was single.
‘Thank you Sue, I will have an Americano without any milk.’
Sue was not surprised by Jilly’s order. Jilly was slim and Sue could tell that she was someone who had a lot of self-discipline. Sue went up to the till to order the coffee and pay for it. She returned to their table
‘So Jilly I am guessing that you have something to tell me about Babs.’
Sue noted that Jilly was surprised by her frankness.
‘Yes Sue. I have her permission to talk to you about what has been going on over the last few months.’
Sue noted that Jilly’s voice seemed to dip and she appeared more sombre and concerned.
‘Jilly I was a Community Matron for many years, I am very used to hearing about all sorts of shite.’
Sue wondered if Jilly was offended by the word shite but she did not flinch.
‘Babs is incredibly low at the moment and attempted to take her own life a few weeks ago.’
Sue was shocked. Sue always thought of Babs as being the tough ex Police Officer.
‘Goodness me Jilly I am surprised to hear that. What brought that on?’
‘Her daughter-in-law has been a little inconsiderate.’
‘A little inconsiderate? I think she must have been more than a little inconsiderate to prompt Babs to take her own life.’
‘Babs told me that you know about Rowena.’
‘Yes, such a terrible thing. How would anyone ever get over something like that.’
‘Babs told me that Rowena was never forgotten and over the years she and her son had always marked important events such as Rowena’s birthday and the anniversary of her death. This year Elliot did not acknowledge Rowena’s anniversary.’
‘Oh and let me guess it had something to do with the daughter-in-law?’
‘Yes and Babs just felt so hurt as though Rowena had been dismissed. There were other things of course but this was the straw that broke the camel’s back.’
‘I have never been married or had children Jilly, but that doesn’t mean that I am unable to walk in Babs’ shoes. From what I remember from Babs’ description of her daughter-in-law she is someone who has led a very sheltered life.’
‘Yes and I have a son and I know that sons are very influenced by their partners. Happy wife equals happy life and all that. My son is not married, but I know that he tends to do anything for a quiet life when he is in a relationship. Most men seem to hate drama, but unfortunately a lot of women seem to thrive on it.’
‘Yes I agree. So what are we going to do about Babs? We can’t wrap her in cotton wool. Is she receiving professional help?’
‘She receives a weekly call from a nurse and she is on a waiting list for group therapy, which she doesn’t want to attend.’
‘Ok what can I do to help?’
‘I am trying to build a circle of support for Babs. A group of people who check in on her and offer her a listening ear, meet up for coffee etc. She is reluctant to be open and honest with many of her friends. So far you are the only person that she has given me permission to contact and be honest with.’
‘I feel privileged and honoured that she trusts me. A circle of support! I like the concept. Perhaps it is something that grows gradually. I certainly don’t think that you should have total responsibility for dealing with Babs’ issues.’
‘I have felt very burdened with the weight of her issues and supporting her. I really feel that it’s time to grow this circle of support. I suppose you know some of Babs’ old friends.’
‘Not really, Babs was very close to her work colleagues but since retiring I think she let some of those friendships slip. I think that is why she started her Meetup group.’
‘She has said that she thinks of the members of her Meetup group as acquaintances more than friends.’
‘Yes I can see that. I am flattered that she thinks of me as being a friend.’
‘She told me that you are a very genuine person and you have a great sense of humour. I loved your dating diary.’
‘Babs and I have both had jobs where if you didn’t have a sense of humour albeit a bit dark at times, you wouldn’t have survived.’
‘I get that, I worked in a very airy fairy job advising on frames at a gallery in London. Now I am studying for an interior design qualification. How flaky am I.’
Sue took a long hard look at Jilly. Jilly appeared to be tense all of a sudden and her brows seemed furrowed. Jilly looked uncomfortable.
‘I wouldn’t describe you as flaky, but I am sensing that you have a few secrets of your own.’
Sue saw Jilly swallow hard. Sue had always had a sort of second sense. She was pretty good at seeing through the veils that some people use to hide their true emotions. Sue was suddenly aware that Jilly’s investment in helping Babs came from some sort of personal experience. She used to see this all of the time when she was working. She frequently came across patients who had neighbours who seemed to be overly involved in their care. They seemed to go above and beyond what would be normal for a neighbour. She would make time to meet them and talk to them and they often revealed that they had someone in their family who had been in a similar situation. They had felt guilty that they had let that person down when they most needed their help. They felt they had a second chance to get it right with their neighbour. Sue was aware that this was not always the best solution for her patients. She used to make sure that her patients had a good packages of care which were funded. She knew only too well, that informal care arrangements could break down and were on the whole not as reliable as funded care.
‘Sue I am not surprised by how astute you are. Yes I have my own secrets which I haven’t told Babs. I certainly didn’t want to burden her with my history.’
‘Yes Jilly but do you feel able to share some of it with me? I think I need to understand your investment in helping Babs.’
Sue watched as the colour seemed to drain instantly from Jilly’s face. The very calm and measured Jilly seemed incredibly uncomfortable.
‘My mother took her own life.’
This was blurted out at great speed as though Jilly had been wanting to spew this fact to someone for many years. Sue found herself purposely slowing her breathing down and slowing her rate of speech.
‘Ah Jilly. How old were you?’ Sue saw the tears and checked that they were not being observed and that Jilly would feel safe. She instinctively lightly touched Jilly’s hand. Jilly grasped her hand and Sue could tell that Jilly wanted to tell her more.
’18 and it was because she never got over the death of my 5 year old sister, who died after a hit and run accident.’
Jilly held on to Sue’s hand and with her other hand found a small packet of tissues in her handbag which she handed to Jilly. Jilly took one and dabbed her eyes. Sue noticed that even in distress Jilly still managed to look elegant. She had waterproof mascara. Sue knew that she would have looked a total mess by now. Sue pushed these thoughts away and concentrated on Jilly.
‘Jilly this all makes perfect sense. You must not have to deal with this on your own. I think I need to go and visit Babs. I can tell her that we have met and I need to see how she is.’
Sue watched as Jilly took a breath in and let it go.
‘Thanks Sue I am amazed by how better I feel now that you know about Babs and you know about my mother and sister.’
‘Your poor sister and how terrible for your mother to come to terms with that and raise you too. You were a victim too Jilly. Have you ever had help to deal with this terrible trauma?’
‘No. I have always thought that I was just ill fated. I have always felt that I am a survivor, but I know that I have a sort of survivor’s guilt too.’
‘That doesn’t surprise me. Are you a perfectionist?’
‘Sue, I am a total perfectionist and it is another burden that I bear.’
‘I am not surprised. You probably feel that you need to control your surroundings.’
‘I absolutely do. I have never thought about it that way.’
‘You have been an amazing friend to Babs over the past few weeks and I am sure she appreciates it. I think you need to step back a little bit from her now and I will give you the space to do that. I won’t share what you have told me with her.’
‘Thanks Sue. On a lighter note how is the internet dating going?’
‘Ah, well I felt a bit deflated after the programme on Hove Actually Radio. Did you hear it?’
‘No, but I heard from Babs that Gemma had rather taken over.’
‘Yes and I felt angry that I had allowed her to do that. I was already becoming somewhat disillusioned by the whole concept of dating in your 60s. I have decided that women make too much of men. I think we try to construct them in our own image in terms of values, attitudes and character but we are deluding ourselves. I note that you are single Jilly.’
‘That makes a lot of sense. Yes I am single by choice, but I am not saying I don’t want to be in the right sort of relationship. Unfortunately I have not had many good experiences of being in relationships. I would rather be alone than with the wrong person.’
‘Jilly that is such a common theme amongst the feisty women of Hove. It is probably why there are so many of us around!’
‘Your dating diary revealed what is out there and it doesn’t inspire us!’
‘We have freedom and we can do what we want to do, when we want to do it. I do worry about growing old alone. If anything happened to me I would end up in a care home far quicker than someone who has a partner.’
‘My fear Sue is meeting someone at this time of my life, who would expect me to be their carer.’
‘Wise words too. Yes be careful what you wish for is something I would like to say to older women who think they have struck gold by finding a partner in later life.’
‘Gosh we are a bit cynical aren’t we Sue.’
‘I prefer to describe myself as a realist. I am certainly not a fantasist. I don’t go in for self-delusion. Some of the women I know in Hove should have listened to the old adage- ‘Sometimes you can stoop down and pick up nothing.’ I have noticed that for some older women in Hove, any man is better than no man.’
‘I am with you in no man land!’
‘Ah but I wonder for how long Jilly.’
Sue saw that Jilly did seem lighter since sharing her story. However, Sue noticed that Jilly used the word ‘burden’ quite a lot during their meeting. Sue would contact Babs and arrange to visit her, but she would also keep an eye on Jilly.