COPYRIGHT@GERRYROSE

 Babs was discharged from hospital in mid-October 2017. Jilly’s internship was on hold. She knew that she wouldn’t be able to live with the knowledge that anything had happened to Babs which she could have helped to prevent. Jilly visited Babs’ home. With Bab’s permission before her discharge she had got the key from the neighbour and had ensured that there was food in the fridge and that the house would be warm and welcoming. She watered her plants and set a vase containing fragrant roses on her mantlepiece in the sitting room. She didn’t want Babs to be triggered by seeing any signs or remnants of what had gone on, on the night she had tried to take her own life. Jilly knew that Babs’ son was going to stay with his mum for the first three nights. Jilly had obtained his phone number and had spoken to him and reassured him that she would be there when he left and would be able to spend some time with his mother to ensure that she was ok. Jilly asked him to ring her before he left to give her an update on Babs. She knew that Babs would have a follow-up appointment with the Community Psychiatric Nurse at some point. Jilly felt that she needed to sort out some local support for her friend but she would need to talk this through with Babs first.

 Jilly felt sorry for Babs’ son he was a young man who was oblivious to the hurt he had caused his mother. He seemed to be one of those young men who believe happy wife, happy life. He didn’t notice things until they were right under his nose. His mother’s issues and the part he had played in them were right under his nose now. Jilly wondered what Eleonor would be making of any of this. Young people these days can be somewhat self-centred. Jilly’s own son was a bit like Babs’ son. Her daughter was far more aware of what was going on in Jilly’s life. Jilly was also aware that when she was in her 30’s, her parents had each other. What would she have done if her parents were divorced and lived alone? She also wondered if it was right to burden young people with the problems of their divorced parents. Babs and Jilly lived on their own and that was their choice to a degree. Jilly understood that Babs expected Eleonor whose parents had each other, 3 children and 3 grandchildren to have a degree of empathy for Babs. To Jilly this was central to the issue.

 About 4 days later Elliot rang Jilly. Jilly was in the local Portland Road Sainsbury’s supermarket, so let it go to voicemail and would call him back when she got home. She listened to the message and could detect what she would describe as frustration.

‘Jilly it’s Elliot, Babs’ son. I am going to stay tonight and then head off home tomorrow. I can’t take anymore time off work I’m afraid. Mum is…..I am not too sure what to say. We have had some good chats and some bad chats. I don’t really know what else to do or say to make things better. Call me when you get this message.’

 Jilly did not know what Elliot did for a living she had the feeling that he was something to do with IT but she didn’t really know. She got the impression that he was out of his depth. She didn’t blame him. She called him when she got home having made herself a cup of tea first.

‘Hi, Elliot, it’s Jilly.’

‘Oh thanks for calling me back so soon.’

‘What time are you leaving tomorrow?’

‘I want to leave at 9am so I avoid the commuters.’

‘Good idea. So how is your mother?’

‘She goes through a range of stuff. She gets sad and talks about Rowena and then she gets angry and talks about how I don’t care about her. She is quite nasty about my wife. I am struggling to know how best to play this.’

Jilly was struck by Elliot’s analogy to a game.

‘Elliot your mother is suffering from depression. I am not sure, but I think her depression has been triggered by something. I have my suspicions but I am not an expert.’

‘Yes but I can’t be held responsible for that.’

Jilly listened and thought about how she should respond.

‘Yes I realise that but, Elliot can you just for a few minutes put yourself in your mother’s shoes?’

‘How do I do that?’

‘Ok it is not easy, but let’s just try this for a few moments. Try to imagine that you are living on your own. Your only surviving child is living 4 hours away. This child has built a life for himself in a new place, with effectively a new family. This new family see each other very frequently and are a very tight knit supportive unit. This child has two people who are his brothers-in-law, but actually feel that he is like a brother. This child is very close to his wife’s parents who are lucky to have each other and this tight knit family. They have not lost a child. They have each other. They have 3 grandchildren and if you have children they will be blessed with more.’

Jilly paused as she wanted to hear Elliot’s response. He took a few minutes before responding.

‘I am just living my life.’

Jilly took this statement in.

‘Yes you are and no one would deny you the right to lead it the way you do. However, most of us are not just individuals, we are part of other groups and relationships. It is what being part of a family is all about. When you have children your mother gains another role and an important one. She will become your child’s grandmother.’

‘Your wife is very close to her mother.’

‘Yes they are best friends.’

Jilly winced. She hated when mothers and daughters claimed to be best friends. She wasn’t going to challenge that.

‘You and your mother have always had a good relationship I understand.’

‘Yes, mum has been very good to me and always put me first.’

‘How often do you speak to your mother?’

‘Well there is no standing arrangement. She used to say that I used to call when I needed something, that was true when I was a student and usually I called when I needed money. I am financially secure now and I have quite a busy life and I suppose we don’t speak regularly.’

‘This is only a suggestion Elliot but how about having an arrangement where you call your mother more regularly? I think Babs would really appreciate that, I know I would.’

‘Yes I think that would be a good idea. A weekly call could be doable.’

Jilly would love to get a weekly call from her son, it gave her food for thought.

‘I think that would be lovely Elliot. However, you shouldn’t make promises that you can’t keep. I will come over to your mother’s at 9.05 am tomorrow.’

‘Thanks Jilly, I do appreciate what you are doing to help my mother. I think I have been a bit selfish, but I won’t have Eleonor being criticised.’

‘Thanks Elliot. The older I get Elliot the more I realise that none of us have read the manual about how to be a son, a mother, a sister, a daughter-in-law etc. We make mistakes at times because we are human. Sometimes we just have to be humble and admit that we got something wrong. We hurt the people we love at times not intentionally. It takes courage to admit that mistakes get made. I think you have shown your mother how much you do care. I will be reinforcing this with her. Please call or text me if you want updates.’

‘Yes I haven’t read any of those manuals and I think most men don’t like to read manuals!’

‘Elliot we all learn from our mistakes. It takes decency and courage to admit it. See you in the morning.’

Jilly ended the call and thought about Elliot. He seemed like a nice lad. She wondered if Eleonor was able to admit her mistakes. Jilly felt that Babs had done well to raise a boy who could admit that he had been selfish. He had turned up and played his part when he needed to. She wondered if Eleonor would feel any guilt about discouraging Elliot from commemorating the anniversary of his sister’s death. She had not told Elliot about her mother, as she felt that would be rather alarming for him to hear. There is no title for someone who has lost a child. There are widows and widowers. Losing a child is a taboo and is the greatest fear of any parent. Jilly’s mother simply could not go on living after this event had occurred. Jilly knew that the impact of her sister and her mother’s death had changed her profoundly. She would like to think that their deaths and the sense of loss had made her a better person. She knew that it made her a different person. Never again could she float through life thinking that there was always something good around the corner. However much she tried and she did try, she always felt a bad fairy was following her.