Copyright@gerryrose

 Marie was delighted when 5 people she had never met, signed up to her first ‘Elite Dining’ event. She was thrilled that 3 of them were men. Men at Meetups tended to be a bit of a rarity. Marie had learned that women were far better at being single than men. Men would trawl dating sites to find women in their locality, not realising that there were plenty of women at Meetups of all ages. Why not meet in person before applying to an ad on a dating site. When you met in person you could almost instantly tell if there was any chemistry. Marie read Mark, Ed and Fred’s profiles and looked at their photos. Mark was good looking but proudly gay. His profile said that he had moved to Brighton from London 5 years ago and was a writer. Ed was probably on the spectrum as he collected coins and worked in IT. Not that she had an issue with this as long as he was able to converse on a wide range of subjects and had learned that it was important to take turns when conversing. Fred looked like he needed a haircut and a good wash. He did not give any details about himself and Marie thought he looked like another sad old git who needed a woman in his life to tell him how to make the best of himself. He was nothing to get excited about. Totty was a woman who Marie guessed was in her late 30’s who had moved down from London a month ago. She was excited about meeting some locals. She said that she was a surveyor. Gabby looked quite scary. She was divorced and sounded bitter. She worked as a Hypnotherapist and specialised in helping people who had experienced dental trauma. Marie thought she would hit it off with Gabby.

 Marie had chosen a Saturday night in late September 2017. She had suggested a cocktail at the Grand Hotel at 7pm for an 8pm reservation at the Salt Room. She informed them that she would request separate bills for the cocktails and at the restaurant because she was keen to ensure that no one paid more than they should. She suggested that people either ordered their own glasses of wine at the restaurant or shared bottles with the fellow guests. She was pleased when this seemed to be acceptable. She also told the group that a 10% service charge would be added to everyone’s bill at the Grand and The Salt Room. She said if people wanted to add an extra 2% to their bill they needed to tell the waiters. She was happy when the £10 deposits arrived in the bank account she had set up for this group. Marie believed in clarity and boundaries.

 Marie was aware that Meetup groups could be problematic. She knew that dining groups were probably the most difficult to run. Groups that did not ask for deposits were almost certainly going to run into problems. She had a theory that many single men and women signed up to join a dining group late at night, when they were fed up with drinking on their own and decided that they needed to be more sociable. So they clicked to join, continued to drink and then frequently forgot about what they had joined. This inevitably led to cancellations and frustration for the organiser. She knew from past experience that there were always people at dining Meetups who drank more than others yet seemed to expect to share the cost of the bottle of wine with someone who had only had one glass. Eating out with friends was different to eating out with a group of strangers. Marie thought that some people were incredibly selfish and others were very mean. There were always people who didn’t want to pay the service charge, which is why Marie felt that it was very important to make it very clear at the beginning about how the Meetup would operate. This gave everyone a chance to decide if it was for them or not. She had also learned that place name cards were a very useful device to ensure that you placed the right people next to each other. She felt that a pre-drinks meet, would also ensure that she would have a chance to suss people out so that when they got to the restaurant she would be able to seat the attendees next to people that they would have something in common with. She wanted everyone to have the best experience possible from her Meetup.

 Marie got to the Grand at 6.45 and asked for a table for 6 in the bar. She also informed the waiter that she wanted separate bills. She could tell that even though the young man thought this meant more work for him, he had been trained to be utterly charming and look as though he was delighted with this request. She was pleased that there was space for the group. She browsed the cocktail menu.

 Ed was the first to arrive, she watched as he loped across the carpet in shoes which seemed to be too large for him. She estimated that he was probably in his mid-40s. He had a pair of green needle cord trousers and a brown corduroy jacket. He had a black roll neck top under his jacket. Marie had the feeling that he might smell like a wet dog. He had a bushy beard and was going bald. He seemed to be a little nervous and when she waved at him, he seemed to be grateful that he was in the right place and had found the Meetup group organiser. Marie had been to enough Meetup groups to know that it takes a degree of confidence to walk into a venue and feel comfortable with a group of total strangers. The Meetup organisation which was born out of the 911 disaster was all about fostering common bonds between people based on shared interests.   

‘Hi, you must be Ed. I am Marie. Welcome, take a seat and have a look at the cocktail menu.’

Ed shook her hand, his hand was very soft, but a tad clammy. He had what she described as a limp fish handshake.

‘Oh are you French?’

‘Yes I am sorry to say I am.’

‘Oh don’t apologise, I love all things French.’

The way he said it, made Marie feel that Ed might have a French fetish.

‘Well that makes a change. Most English people secretly hate the French. And sometimes not so secretly.’

‘Oh not me. My French isn’t very good I’m afraid.’

‘Not a problem because my English is superb.’

Ed smiled at Marie and seemed to be entranced.

Marie was pleased when a very enthusiastic Mark arrived next. Mark spotted Marie and gambled over to her.

‘Marie? I am Mark and I am so delighted to meet you!’

Mark shook her hand and he had a strong positive hand shake. He was wearing a white silk shirt and a bow tie and a very expensive looking soft tanned leather jacket. His black trousers were smart and tailored. His black leather ankle boots were very shiny. He looked well groomed, smelled gorgeous and seemed very comfortable in his skin. Mark exuded a sense of fun and ebullience.    

  She was curious as to why Mark would join her Meetup, as he struck her as someone who must have plenty of friends in Brighton. Marie handed him the cocktail menu and checked her watch. It was 7pm. She spotted Totty doing the visual room sweep that lots of people attending Meetups do. She looked a bit nervous and tense. Marie waved at her. Totty looked relieved to be recognised, she joined the group and said a hi to Marie. Marie introduced her to the others. Totty was probably closer to 50 than late 30s and was right to feel relieved to be recognised. Marie suspected that Totty may well once have been ‘totty’ but was going to seed quite rapidly and from her appearance and odour, probably had a very needy smelly cat who Marie could tell resented moving to its new territory in Brighton. Marie felt almost Sherlock Holmes like, as she spotted scratch marks on Totty’s hands and wrists. They were either inflicted by a cat, or a very vicious Rose plant. Totty had a little girl’s voice and Marie who felt that voices were always so important, found Totty’s voice rather irritating and she felt guilty about being so judgemental. Totty kept touching her hair and then she would rub her nose as though she felt a genie might emerge. She instantly knew that she would struggle to find anything redeeming about Totty. Marie was always trying to be tolerant and felt that as a Psychotherapist she should be able to accept everyone’s foibles but she often failed. Totty was wearing a very creased black coat which appeared to have been in the cat’s bed for a few days. Totty had somehow managed to perfect the ‘pulled through a hedge backwards look’. Marie hoped that she could afford to pay for her share of the bill. She handed Totty the cocktail menu and was not surprised when Totty announced with a strange flick of her hair that she no longer drank alcohol. Luckily there was a mocktail section. Marie reckoned that anyone who spent time around Totty, felt glad that they did drink. Her whiny voice and irritating mannerisms would bring out the worst in Marie and most people she feared.

 Gabby arrived next, wearing the highest heels that Marie had seen on a woman over 50 in a long time. She had pink hair and attitude. She had a pair of very tight skinny jeans and a black leather jacket. She was definitely channelling her inner rock chick. However when she smiled, Marie knew why she had specialised in Hypnotherapy with dental trauma patients. Gabby was edentulous. She lisped and announced that she didn’t need the menu because she knew exactly what she wanted to drink. She wanted a double Jack Daniels on the rocks. Marie felt it was going to be an interesting evening. Marie would have a Mojito. She gestured to the waiter and they ordered their drinks.

 She should have guessed that Ed would order whatever she ordered. She then realised that there was no sign of Fred. They couldn’t wait for him to arrive before ordering. They could not be late for their table at the Salt Room. She checked her phone, but there was no message from the scruffy Fred. Perhaps he had been mistaken for a rough sleeper and the Grand had not allowed him to come in. The Grand used to have a reputation for not embracing the tolerance which Brighton was famous for. In the not too distant past the Grand did not allow women to sit on their own at the bar fearing that they might be prostitutes. Yet they welcomed Margaret Thatcher and if Maggie had sat on a bar stool and had ordered her usual whiskey night cap, Marie doubted that anyone would have refused to serve her. However, as we all know, Maggie’s trip to the Grand in 1984 didn’t end well.

 Their drinks arrived and Marie asked the waiter to bring the card machine so that they could pay immediately. She did not want to risk being late at the restaurant for her first Meetup.

Marie had learned that it was always useful to have a few conversation starters in mind when meeting people at Meetups. As they sipped their drinks, Marie asked the group the following question.

‘So when do you think you drank your first cocktail?’ Marie didn’t think this question was loaded, but how could she have got it so wrong. Totty started.

‘I was 15 and a very creepy uncle tried to get me drunk by making me a Tequila sunrise. I was very impressed by how it looked but wasn’t able to handle the amount of alcohol it contained and vomited all over him about 20 minutes later just as he was attempting to finger me.’

Ed seemed to be quite shaken by this. He admitted to not really ever having a cocktail before. He said he was enjoying his Mojito. Marie would watch him for signs of intoxication.

Gabby launched into a very long and rather sad story about her grandmother who was a raving alcoholic. Her earliest memories of her grandmother were of her coming to her house to babysit and mixing whatever was left in her parents’ sideboard and drinking it. If Gabby had trouble sleeping, her grandmother would give her a little glass of something very alcoholic, which of course was a sort of cocktail. On one occasion she came down for a glass of water and found her grandmother dead on the kitchen floor.

 Mark tried to raise the mood by his story about his dad who used to aspire to make the best Martini. Mark said that his father was a great James Bond fan. When Mark reached the age of 18 his father was determined to introduce Mark to the very perfect dry Martini, but unfortunately Mark hated gin and vodka. Tonight he was drinking an Aperol Spritz which Marie felt totally matched his ebullient personality. Marie told them that she loved a champagne cocktail, but since visiting Cuba she preferred rum cocktails.

 Marie knew the concept of too much information. She felt Gabby and Totty were definitely in danger of oversharing. She would ask fewer triggering questions when they got to the restaurant, but she had her place cards and would definitely not place Totty and Gabby next to each other. 

  They finished their drinks and walked the short distance to the restaurant where Marie told them to wait whilst she confirmed their booking with the member of staff on the desk. Marie spoke to a woman called Sally and asked to see the table. She reminded Sally that this was a Meetup group and as she had already requested she would require individual bills according to what people had ordered. She gave Sally a print-out of the people attending and suggested that staff took the orders according to the names on the sheet. Sally seemed to have no problem with this. Marie was pleased to see that it was a round table, which in her opinion was a much easier format than a rectangular table for people who didn’t know each other, as it encouraged conversations and there was no one at the end of the table who felt left out. She put her cards out and then went back to the group. She told them that they should check where they had been seated according to the place cards. She received a wink from Mark. She had placed him next to her on her left. Ed was on her right and on his right Marie had placed Gabby. Marie had placed Fred on Gabby’s right and she had no choice but to place Totty on Mark’s left. Marie felt Mark could handle the over sharing cat loving Totty. Marie hadn’t even asked Totty about cats but was convinced anyway.

 Later she wished she had put edentulous but drinking Gabby next to Mark, but she concluded that there was never going to be a great outcome from the evening given the people and the topics of conversation which arose. 

 They were looking at the menus when Fred arrived. He was every bit as scruffy as Marie suspected. He didn’t apologise or explain his no-show at the Grand and his late arrival at the restaurant and neither did Marie ask him. He looked about 80 she estimated but seemed to be stuck in his 20’s in his hairstyle and attire. Gabby gave him a sort of knowing look and kept smiling at him. Marie thought that Gabby should not have seemed surprised when Fred recoiled from her toothless smile. Marie introduced herself and asked the guests to introduce themselves to Fred. When it came to Fred’s turn, he told them that he was 70 and used to be a roadie for David Bowie. His status within the group just seemed to rise from this point on. Marie wondered if she should claim to be Madonna’s bra maker but kept that thought to herself. She knew it was feasible that Fred was who he said he was and that was part of the joy of living in Brighton and Hove. Mark seemed particularly delighted to meet Fred.

 Marie encouraged everyone to order and reminded them that they would be charged individually for whatever they ate and drank and asked them to pay at least a 10% service charge. Their £10 deposits would be deducted from their bills. She asked if there were any people who wished to share a bottle of wine. She also reminded them that it was polite to share the bottle equally and anyone who felt that they tended to drink more than another, should order their own bottle. She felt it was important to lay out these ground rules yet again. She was delighted when they all agreed that they would prefer to order their own glasses of wine etc. Mark said he would be happy to order his own bottle of wine providing it had a screw top, as he would take the rest home with him. Fred agreed that he would do the same with his bottle of red. Marie was happy to order a large glass of Sauvignon Blanc. Totty was happy with tap water and Gabby would just drink whiskey. Fred asked Totty why she drank water.

She replied because when I drink alcohol I become more interesting. Marie didn’t want to pursue this line of questioning and neither did anyone else.

 The restaurant brought them generous portions of bread, balsamic vinegar and olive oil. Marie had decided not to ask any questions which might be the portal to their sad pasts. Mark asked a general question which Marie felt would be a good positive thing to discuss.

‘What is everyone’s favourite thing to do in Brighton and Hove?’

Fred jumped in.

‘Well back in the day Brighton was renowned for having the kinkiest groupies. I used to love the compulsory shag on the beach. I was always a gentleman, so I always put my jacket down as those pebbles can be hard on a girl’s bum.’

Mark giggled. Totty went next.

‘I don’t know about shagging on the pebbles Fred. I used to do crazy stuff when I used to drink alcohol but now that I am teetotal I am much tamer. I like to take friends to the Regency for fish and chips. I still think they are one of the best fish restaurants.’

Later Marie wished she had watched Fred more closely.

Marie felt Hove needed a mention.

‘I love to have an ice cream at Marrocco’s. I think they serve the best ice cream in Brighton and Hove.’

There were nods of approval. Ed went next.

‘My favourite thing to do in Brighton and Hove is to visit the Museum in Hove. It documents the role that Hove played in early cinematography.’

Marie was impressed.

Mark went next.

‘I love the Black Dove pub in Kemp Town. The lower ground floor bar is awesome!’

Fred remarked, ‘I live in Kemp Town but I have never been there.’

Gabby was the last person to contribute and she was a fan of Hove too, which pleased Marie.

‘I love the Japanese lavatory at the Etch restaurant on Church Road.’

Marie wasn’t surprised that Gabby had chosen something quite quirky.’

 The starters arrived and as was always the case the conversation died at first as people tucked in and enjoyed their food.

 What happened next, really could not have been predicted. Totty took a sip of water and a mouthful of her salmon and Marie noticed that a switch appeared to have been flicked. Totty suddenly just started shouting in a very aggressive manner.

‘Hey you! Waiter are you trying to fucking poison me, or something? I can taste alcohol on this.’   

The young waiter came over and seemed concerned. Marie as the host of the Meetup was worried about what was happening and got up and went over to see what was going on with Totty. When she stood next to Totty she became aware that Fred was in fits of giggles. The waiter asked Totty what was wrong.

‘There is something alcoholic on this smoked salmon.’

The waiter was very clear that nothing alcoholic was added to the salmon.  

Marie sniffed the salmon.

‘Is it ok if I taste some of your salmon Totty?’

‘Go a fucking head!’

Marie could not detect any alcohol, but she looked at Totty’s water and Fred’s obvious glee and put two and two together.

‘May I taste your water Totty?’

‘Be my fucking guest!’

Marie always thought there were 7 types of drunks, the sleepers, the fallers, the sad miserable ones, the happy affable ones, the ones who became too honest, the argumentative ones and the foul mouthed argumentative aggressive nasty ones. She knew which one Totty was. Once she took a sip of Totty’s water she knew that this was the source of alcohol and she guessed that Fred had a hip flask with him and had a playful streak. She couldn’t prove it of course. She was hardly going to do a strip search of him. She asked for fresh water for Totty. She gave Fred a withering look and reassured the waiter that he wasn’t to blame. Marie urged Totty to eat her salmon and have some bread. She needed something to soak the alcohol up. She asked Fred to swap seats with her so she could keep an eye on Totty and make sure there was no further mischief from him.  

 There was a bit of an awkward silence, but yet again Mark saved the day by asking another question about the groups interests.

‘So how many other Meetup groups do you all attend?’

Ed volunteered that this was his first Meetup. Marie felt a bit concerned that this might be his last.

Gabby was more forthcoming.

‘I am a Meetup junky! I am a member of 2 other dining groups, I attend the Happy Café, the Creative Café, the Great Night Out in Brighton, a Writing Meetup and a Solo Travellers group.’

Marie didn’t know whether she should feel sorry for Gabby or pleased that she was making an effort. Living alone was not easy, so she decided that Gabby was to be congratulated for getting out there. She went next.

‘Gabby I must congratulate you for being a great joiner. I have been a member of a Meetup which specialises in a wide range of activities which includes dining and walking. I started this Elite Dining group because I felt I needed to make more friends and eat good food. I live in Hove, there are very few excellent restaurants there. I have been to Etch but I wouldn’t want this to be the only place that I list. At the moment Brighton has far better restaurants than Hove. I do enjoy the Urban Ramblers Meetup.’

Mark chipped in that this was his very first Meetup. Marie hoped it would not be his last. Marie felt she needed to ask him why he had joined.

‘Well Mark I am delighted to welcome you and can I be bold enough to ask why you have joined?’ Mark smiled.

‘Yes I love good food. I am a writer and I don’t meet enough people from the heterosexual community which I am assuming most of you are. I need to meet more straight people basically!’

Fred chipped in as Marie predicted he might.

‘Back in the day we all dipped in and out of a variety of communities. We invented gender fluidity. Bowie started it all. I have never been to one of these before. My daughter told me I needed to get a life and I suppose I am trying to convince her that I am having a good time here.’ Marie was impressed by Fred’s honesty.

 The empty starter plates were cleared away. Marie glanced at her watch and was surprised to see that it was 7.45. The conversation had dipped a little. She checked in with Totty discretely.

‘How are you doing?’

‘I’m ok, but worried that having that sip of alcohol which I have no clue as to how it got into my water has sort of freaked me out.’

‘Ok I am sorry you experienced this Totty.’ Marie wondered if running a group was worth the stress but yet again the wonderful Mark chipped in and got everyone involved.

‘Ok who can tell me how many films have been made in Brighton and Hove?’

Ed looked delighted by this question.

‘Depends which era you are talking about.’

Marie was pleased to hear about Ed’s knowledge of this subject. Anything was better than feeling that her first Meetup had already delivered something terrible for Totty.

Mark was interested.

‘Ok from the earliest time to this year?’

Ed was very confident when he announced.

‘There have been 124 films made in Brighton and Hove.’

There was a group ‘wow’.

Then the main courses started to be delivered. Marie kept an eye on Totty who didn’t look great.  

 Marie’s John Dory looked superb. When Totty’s Dover Sole arrived, Totty almost turned green. Marie noticed that Fred giggled yet again as he looked at Totty and could see that she didn’t look great. Mark had gone for Sea Bream which looked delicious. Fred had to be different and had ordered a very expensive steak. Gabby had chosen the Lemon sole. Marie was not surprised when Ed had also chosen John Dory. The side dishes arrived and yet again the conversation died as people started eating their main course. Marie liked Mark’s question about the films made in Brighton. She was enjoying her meal but was aware that Totty had only taken one forkful of her main course. Marie was anxious for everyone to look back on the evening and think that they had had an enjoyable evening. Marie decided to get the conversation flowing again.

‘Ok Ed, how many films have been made in Brighton and Hove about Hove?’

Ed halted and blushed as he had to admit that he did not know the answer. What happened next would haunt Marie. Totty stood up and projectile vomited across the table. Fred was no longer giggling as her vomit landed on his steak.

 When Marie got home and felt the need to pour herself a vermouth she was grateful for the kindness of the restaurant staff. They offered to keep the food hot whilst the table cloth was changed and offered Fred a new steak. Totty went to the ladies and the others said that they had lost their appetite. Marie asked for the bill and was grateful when they all barring Totty paid what they owed minus their deposit. Marie wondered how Totty managed to slip passed them all and leave. Marie checked the Lavatory but there was no sign of her. Marie paid for Totty’s share of the meal. They said their goodbyes and left. Marie’s first Elite Dining would unfortunately be memorable for all of the wrong reasons.

 The following day she received a lovely message from Mark.

‘Don’t dwell too much on last night Marie. You did your best but there will always be difficult characters to deal with in Brighton and Hove. As a writer, I always say every experience provides one with material!’

 Marie appreciated Mark’s message. Having googled him she had discovered that he was quite a well know comedy writer. She hoped her Meetup dinner would not feature in any of his sitcoms.