COPYRIGHT@GERRYROSE

    Babs did not have the energy to read her WhatsApp messages let alone reply to them. Harry kept asking about the things she had promised him for his Happy Hour at Harry’s Party. Jilly kept messaging her to see if she was ok. Trish has asked her out to various events. Her Meetup group were posting messages about her lack of events. A few were getting quite stroppy. Babs was usually such an upbeat person. She had stopped running and hadn’t been on her paddle board for some time. She had been to see her GP and she could tell that her doctor was stressed and did not really have time to talk to her in depth. She asked Babs a series of questions on a document on her computer. The doctor struck Babs as being one of those typical menopausal part-time G.P.’s who wondered why they had bothered striving hard at school and training for over 7 years in order to spend a maximum of 5 minutes with someone like Babs, who she most likely thought was past her best and lonely. When Babs left the surgery she could remember fragments of the questions which were asked with an air of boredom and at brake net speed. It was clear that the G.P. was going through the motions.

• Dis she feel overwhelmingly sad
• When she thought of the future did she feel hopeless
• Did she feel like a complete failure
• Did she get a lot less satisfaction from doing things
• Did she feel guilty about something most of the time
• Did she feel like she was being punished
• Did she feel disappointed with herself, are the bad things in your life your fault, are you often on the brink of tears or crying,
• Did she feel irritated and annoyed at things in her life
• Was she interested in other people’s lives and did she like to listen to them
• Do you find it easy to make decisions big and small
• Did she think that she was unattractive or ugly
• Did she find it hard to do anything, especially work
• Were her sleep patterns really disrupted
• Was she so tired that she had no energy to do anything
• Has her appetite changed a lot, had she lost weight
• Was she very concerned with physical health
• Was she not interested in sexual relations at all
• Had she thought about ending her life

Babs had answered truthfully. She thought that the questions were depressing enough and she felt like she was opening up a can of worms. Most people try not to dwell on their concerns. This questionnaire was opening up deep caverns in her mind and she felt that the things she had tried to hide for some time were emerging like bats from a cave.

  Her results indicated that she was very likely to be suffering from depression. The G.P. said there were two options. She could be placed on a long waiting list for Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, or Counselling, or she could prescribe an anti-depressant. Babs had already predicted what the options might be. She had received counselling when she was in the Police and had found the process somewhat irritating and patronising. She would take the tablets and try CBT. The G.P. glanced at the clock and handed her the number for the Samaritans as well as the prescription.

 Babs left the surgery and went to Boots in George Street. Bloody marvellous she thought to herself. She had sought help and now she was on a waiting list and waiting in a queue for medication. Whilst she was standing there a thought came to her. She didn’t want to live like this anymore. She realised she was a fraud. People thought she was ok, but she wasn’t. She would wait to collect her medication and then once she had her prescription she would consider what other options she had.

 As she was walking back home, who should she see coming in the opposite direction but Jilly. Babs dived into the first shop that she saw. She was in the YMCA shop not a place that she felt someone like Jilly would frequent, but she was wrong. Jilly had spotted her and had followed her into the shop. Jilly was like an arrow homing in on a target. She came straight up to Babs and Babs could see that when Jilly was on a mission there was no stopping her.

‘Babs, I have been worried about you. Have I done anything to offend you? You haven’t replied to my texts.’

 Later Babs would describe this encounter as being somewhat pivotal.

She had burst into tears. Jilly had embraced her and guided her out of the shop. There were a few people who witnessed this event, but they did not have enough time to process it because Jilly had taken Babs away from their prying eyes and into the street. Babs remembers being steered down a back street away from onlookers. Jilly asked Babs if she felt up to going for a coffee. Babs can remember uttering the words.

‘Please just take me home.’

Babs cannot remember walking with Jilly. She can remember feeling Jilly’s arms around her and a perfect linen handkerchief being given to her to dry her tears. Afterwards Babs was worried about the stains that her mascara must have made. Only someone like the perfect Jilly, would have a pure white starched linen handkerchief in her handbag.

 She can remember being on auto pilot as she walked back to her house. She searched for her keys, whilst a very cool and patient Jilly waited and offered to help look for them in her handbag. Then she remembered that she had put them in the pocket of her trousers. Once in the house she was steered towards the sofa and Jilly went to make them both a cup of tea. Once they had their tea a very calm Jilly spoke to her.

‘I don’t know you well Babs but I can tell that you are obviously going through something tough at the moment. Do you want to talk to me about it? Or would you rather call someone who knows you really well. I could call your son on your behalf. All I know is that I don’t think you should be left alone at the moment.’

Babs was speechless she remembered looking at the perfect Jilly and thinking how could I tell this woman who is so together that I am falling apart? She then was shocked when Jilly seemed to be reading her mind.

‘I suppose you think I am someone who doesn’t have crises. You probably think that because I am a perfectionist my life must be perfect? Well Babs I have dealt with some pretty awful stuff and I know how life can shake you and leave you feeling worthless and helpless. I would just like to say to you that things pass Babs. I am happy to listen to you, if you want to talk. I am happy to find someone else for you to talk to. What I am not happy to do is leave you in this state.’

 Babs looked long and hard at Jilly and wondered what pretty awful stuff she had experienced. She had not reached the age of 71 without knowing that everyone over a certain age has experienced something bad unless they have been incredibly lucky. Some are better at dealing with it than others. Babs always tried to be kind because she knew that you never know what is going on in someone’s life. She had been a rather unusual Police Officer, because she always tried to consider what led people to commit crimes and she knew that social deprivation was usually at the root as well as child abuse and neglect. Few people were born evil and she knew that there was good and bad in everyone. Put anyone in the wrong circumstances and anyone could commit a crime. Jilly was waiting patiently for her to respond.

‘I am sorry to hear that you have had troubles Jilly. I suppose one of the reasons that I did not respond to your texts was because I thought you might consider me weak if I told you I was struggling.’

‘We all struggle Babs. Some of us are just better at covering it up and putting a good face on. None of us really believe that life is easy. Occasionally we write a script that we stick to. What’s going on for you Babs.’

’20 years ago last month my daughter Rowena died. I don’t tell people about her because I know that people don’t want to hear sad stories.’

‘Oh Babs how terrible. How old was she?’

‘She was 16 and she was cycling to get her GCSE results when she turned left but a lorry was turning ahead and didn’t see her. Of course death would probably have been instant. That is what I have been told but I know that authorities often tell people the things they want to hear. She was my eldest and her brother who was 2 years younger had to be told. My ex-husband couldn’t so I had to. To this day I believe he really thinks that I was the one who was responsible for his world falling apart.’

‘Oh Babs how can I say anything that would comfort you now. I just want to say thank you for trusting me and telling me this.’

‘The next few weeks were a complete blur. My marriage fell apart and it seemed like in a very short space of time our family was never the same again.’

‘I am sure and certain it is hard to recover from this Babs. Is there any reason why you are feeling the way you do right now? Has anything else happened?’

‘Yes, my son didn’t call me on the 20^th anniversary. He always calls me, but this time he didn’t and when I asked him why, I didn’t like the response I got.’

‘And what was that?’

‘He told me that his wife, my daughter-in-law was trying to get pregnant and that they needed to think ‘happy thoughts’. Eleonor felt that 20 years was a sufficient passage of time and that we should all just forget about Rowena.’

‘What! Oh I have serious concerns about this Eleonor! Babs, no wonder you have been feeling so low. It is like someone is trying to erase your daughter.’

‘Yes and I never thought my son, my Elliot could ever do this. After Rowena died I was so worried about him, but he seemed to bounce back. He was so close to Rowena.’     

‘Does Elliot know how upset you are?’

‘Not really and it is hard for me to tell him how I feel because in his eyes Eleonor can do no wrong.’

‘You have brought up a man who will stand by his woman. That’s a good thing but he will still remember Rowena and I wonder why Eleonor feels so threatened by this.’

‘I don’t know either. I think she just wants to erase his side of the family. She has always been a little cool towards me.’

‘What is her mother like?’

‘Polar opposite to me.’

‘Ah, she should be proud to have a mother-in-law like you.’

‘Mother-in-laws are supposed to be despised.’

‘Well it’s a hard role to get right.’

‘It’s not as though I live close by and interfere with their life.’

‘Where do they live?’

‘Leeds, it is almost a 5 hour drive from here.’

‘How often do you see them?’

‘Well I am not invited to spend Christmas with them because Elliot says it would be awkward.’

‘Awkward?’

‘I know but she has a large family and they like having their family Christmas at the parents house and I would be a bit of a gooseberry.’

‘Gooseberry? Very Christian attitude.’

‘I know and I have learnt to accept it. I am not invited to stay with them because they like their own space and don’t have a spare bedroom.’

‘So do you stay in a hotel when you visit?’

‘Yes. I go up there once a year and if Elliot is in London on business we meet up for dinner or lunch.’

‘I can only imagine how sad all of this makes you feel.’

‘It does and this stuff about forgetting Rowena just feels like salt is being rubbed into my wounds.’

‘Am I the first person you have told this to?’

‘No I have an old school friend and she has known me since we were at primary school. She has her own troubles at the moment though.’

‘I feel honoured that you have told me about this. Now what can we do that helps you deal with this?’

‘My G.P. says I am depressed and has given me some tablets and has put me on a waiting list to see a counsellor.’

‘No wonder you are feeling depressed. The situation with your son is heart breaking. You lost your daughter and now your son is not helping matters by following his wife’s advice about forgetting Rowena.’

‘Yes and there is nothing much I can do about that situation. If I tell him I am upset he will see it as a criticism of Eleonor.’

‘Yes I can see that.’

‘I have felt so worthless over the past few weeks. I have felt like my life has been a waste of time.’

‘Well mothers don’t stop being mothers. Our sons can be far too self-obsessed. Your life is more than being a Mother Babs. I know that it can be really hard to find a purpose the older we get. My son doesn’t think about me very much. Perhaps we need to raise sons differently, but looking back I don’t know what I could have done differently.’

‘I know, but I learned from working in the Police, that the male brain works differently to the female brain. You only have to look at the crime statistics to see that. I have met some pretty nasty women in my time, but they tend to commit different sorts of crimes. Men are pretty simple creatures and I do think a lot of them think avoid drama at all cost and they believe happy wife equals happy life a lot of the time.’

‘Now Babs I know this is difficult but I am going to ask you anyway. Have you thought about taking your own life?’

‘Jilly I didn’t think you would ask me that. I am going to be totally honest. Yes I have.’

Babs was surprised that Jilly asked her and was even more surprised that she had been truthful.

‘Ok and I don’t think I need to tell you Babs that despite what people think many people consider suicide when they are in situations which are difficult.’

‘Yes I know but there have been times when I have felt so hopeless and have felt that I am alone in this world. I have felt that I don’t have many true friends. I feel sometimes like I have more acquaintances than true friends.’

‘Yes I know that feeling, but we actually don’t need a huge circle of friends. Most people are lucky if they have 5 close friends. I also think that some friends are better and kinder than family. I mean the right kind of friends. I have been quite careful since moving here, I have been wary of letting certain people into my inner sanctum.’   

‘Yes and I have noticed that Jilly. You are a very discerning person. I value your friendship.’

‘As I value yours. Now I want to know if you have ever made a plan about how you might take your life.’

Babs had to admit that Jilly was not one to pussy foot around a matter.

‘No not really I just have felt at times that I had no real purpose now my son is leading his own life and seems to be consumed by his new extended family. I suppose I just feel sorry for myself and self-pity is not an attractive trait.’

‘I think it is hard for women without a partner, who don’t have family living close by. We look around us and see some women who appear to have it all. However, be careful what you wish for. I know plenty of women with partners who envy our freedom. I know lots of women who feel that they are being exploited as a source of cheap child care. They tell me that having to look after their grandchildren a couple of days a week is exhausting.’

‘That’s something I won’t have to do because I live far too far away.’

‘So Babs I think we all need to do a reality check sometimes and work out that no one’s life is a bed of roses. We need to think about what gives us pleasure and joy at this stage of our lives don’t we.’

‘I think I have lost touch with what does give me pleasure Jilly.’

‘What did you enjoy doing before you had children?’

‘Work was a large part of my life. The Police force was my tribe. We were despised so we stuck together and there was a lot of socialising and boozing was all part of it!’

‘Do you think you have too much time on your hands?’

‘Probably but I am not too sure what else to do to fill the time and make me feel useful.’  

‘I know this is going to sound very cliched and not at all original. It is going to be something that an agony aunt might suggest to a woman of a certain age. What about volunteering?’

Babs resisted the desire to roll her eyes.

‘The one thing I know Jilly is that I cannot conjure up the ideal life that I once imagined would await me. Actually I never really thought about what my life would be like in my 70s, when I was in my 40s, but perhaps I should have. I didn’t think I would be living on my own and feeling a bit useless. I don’t think ageing is anything to get excited about. I think most people try and push the thought of ageing onto the back burner. Ageing on your own is hard, but I don’t think ageing as a couple is a bed of roses either. I don’t want to end up being a carer. However, I will be in a nursing home if anything goes wrong with me, quicker than someone who has a partner.’

‘Let’s think about how to help you feel useful Babs. You are incredibly resourceful and have so much to give. I do believe your current state of mind is temporary and I believe you will get through this. I also want to be around to support you.’

Babs felt incredibly touched.

‘Thanks Jilly. Let me think about what I can do to get out of this shit mindset. I do feel guilty about having negative thoughts.’

‘We all have to lean on someone at different points in our lives and there is no need to feel guilty.’

Babs suddenly felt very tired and she told Jilly that she would like to have a bath and go to bed. Jilly left her rather reluctantly and told Babs to call her if she needed to talk. Later whilst soaking in the bath, Babs thought about how Jilly had supported her that day and wondered what had gone on in Jilly’s life. She definitely seemed to be speaking from experience.