BABS HAS A CRISIS

COPYRIGHT@GERRYROSE

   Babs had felt a bit down for the last few months. Her party in spring seemed like a long time ago. She felt restless and as the year wore on, she was surprised to find that the longest day had loomed and gone. She had seen a few of her Hove friends but had not really felt inclined to post much on her Meetup Group. She knew this was unusual for her. She had found some of the dramas around Sue, Ying and Gemma somewhat draining. Trish was beginning to get on her nerves. She found Maria was getting more and more contrary. She was tired of supporting hopeless men who turned up at her events.

 She knew what was really upsetting her. Her son. She was almost 71 and her son was 35 and as far as he was concerned, she was always an afterthought. Her son was living his own life and his wife was far more devoted to her own family than her husband’s. That old adage kept running through Babs’ head. ‘Your daughter is your daughter for the rest of your life, but your son is your son until he marries his wife.’

She had always looked forward to her daughter growing up. unfortunately her daughter had died at the age of 16 and now she only had her son. She didn’t speak to people about her daughter as she had found that it was something which people who had children found very hard to cope with. She hated being someone who others might view with pity. She had few people that she could lean on who would understand. Her ex-husband was never going to be someone whom Babs could rely on for support. She belonged to a club that no one ever wanted to join.

 Her son was married to someone who was very insular and had never moved more than 20 miles from the town she had been born in. Eleonor didn’t understand a woman like Babs. She hadn’t tried very hard either. Her large family were enough. She didn’t want to dwell on misery and preferred being an upbeat positive person and encouraged her husband not to dwell on the past.

 Babs had learned that people want to hear the good news stories. She knew that when someone asked you how you were, they really wanted the answer to be ‘fine’. Babs was struggling to know what to do to help herself. She knew that many people looked to her for advice and support. She realised that when you cultivate this sort of persona you will probably be the last person that anyone thinks needs support.

 Her sense of apathy and lack of pleasure in the activities which had usually been pleasurable was difficult for her to cope with. Then she received a message from Jilly.

‘Babs are you ok? I haven’t heard from you and you didn’t respond to my text, so I am just concerned that you are ok. I know that when I lived in my village I went for weeks without seeing anyone. I know I really appreciated a check-in text. I am here if you need a chat.’

 Here was something that Babs had not expected. She considered her response. She realised that the last time she had seen Jilly was at Harry’s flat, which she thought was at the beginning of May. Now Babs had a choice, should she lie or be entirely honest? How could she tell Jilly that she felt like shit? How could she tell her that she had considered taking her own life? She couldn’t of course. Babs did not know Jilly well enough. Jilly was a perfectionist and Babs didn’t think that Jilly would understand what she was going through. She felt that Jilly would judge her and see her as weak and pathetic. Babs didn’t know this for certain of course, but could she take the risk? Someone once told her that you don’t know who you can trust until you trust them. Babs felt that this was a risk too far and did not feel it was appropriate to bare her soul to Jilly. Babs thought about her old friends but they were part of her old life when she was married. Most of her old friends were still married and she felt quite different to them. They had their children living close by. They had grandchildren. She had a son who lived 4 hours away. She knew that her old friends felt that they had found a new purpose in life when their grandchildren arrived. Sometimes they moaned about being exploited and used by their children as a cheap childcare option. Babs wondered if they knew how lucky they were. A married woman in her 70’s is quite different to a divorced woman in her 70’s. A woman who has never married is different again. She realised that the friends that she had made over the last 10 years since her divorce were rather superficial friends.

 Babs found getting older was not much fun. She had felt fine in her 60’s but hitting 70 had felt very different. When she reached 70 she recognised that she had begun contemplating how she would die. She had become far more anxious and had to give herself regular talks about how capable she was. Sometimes everything seemed so effortful. Things that she had done with ease all her life now seemed to arouse a degree of anxiety which was unusual for her and definitely out of all proportion. Jilly was younger than her and still had ambitions. She loved hearing about Jilly’s forays into the world of interior design. Babs realised that she didn’t have any real ambitions left. She had a sort of bucket list which she ticked off, but even that seemed to have lost its appeal. She recognised that she had begun to sink into a self-pity pit. Self-pity was never very appealing, or attractive.

 Babs being a fundamentally sensible person did what she knew she should do. She phoned her surgery and made an appointment to see a GP. As usual she resented having to tell the receptionist what she wanted to see the doctor about. She decided to be quite direct. She told her that she wanted to take her own life. She found this worked amazingly well because she got an appointment to see the GP the same day as well as the number for the Samaritans.