COPYRIGHT@Gerry Rose

 Jenny was disappointed to find out that her admin job at Hove Polyclinic was no longer available. Having got the house valued Jenny realised that she needed to build up a ‘running away fund.’ She secretly hoped that her plan B might work. She was going to fatten Tim with junk food. This would be an easy task. She hoped that nature would then take its course and Tim would just explode or die of heart disease which ever happened first. She had joined a slimming club and as she thought Tim did not want to eat any of her healthy food. Once she lost weight she found that it was much easier to move.

 She noticed that most people were able to either have side hustles, or start businesses these days. She had started an ideas for a business list in one of her notebooks. She listed her talents.

Excellent gossip

Happy to do mindless tasks which do not demand any intelligence

Good at wasting time and money

Happy to have inane conversations about the weather with people at bus stops and on the buses

Able to look a complete mess and not care what anyone thinks

Likes a nice clean, tidy house

Average cook

Excellent cleaner

When she analysed the list the idea jumped out at her. She could start her own cleaning company. She could start small and then build a brand and employ other people. She would not over charge people. She made a few enquiries and found that some of the companies were quite expensive so if she charged £12 an hour she would be sure to get some business. If she asked for cash in hand she could avoid paying tax. She did some research and found that if she did some cleaning for free she could ask for a review and this could start the whole thing going. It galled her but one of the people that would be able to provide her with a reference and a review was Marsha. Jenny didn’t want to involve Marsha but she was internet savvy and knew about social media etc. She also knew that Marsha liked to feel that she was helping the less fortunate. She would tell Marsha a sob story about her NHS pension not being as good as she thought and how she needed to make extra cash.

She bit the bullet and texted Marsha.

Jenny- Hi Marsha are you around? I could do with a bit of help. Can I run an idea past you? x

Jenny waited to see how quickly Marsha would respond. 3 hours later she received this text.

Marsha-Hi Jenny just been out to lunch can we talk tomorrow around 11am? X

Jenny assumed Marsha was out with some of her swanky friends at the Hove Club where plenty of wine would have been consumed.

Jenny-No problem I will call you at 11am tomorrow x.

Jenny did some more research about cleaning companies. The big ones all seemed to have vans and a uniform. Some boasted that they were environmentally friendly. This sounded expensive to her. She didn’t see what was wrong with bleach and detergent. She couldn’t understand what was so special about microfibre cloths. She liked a feather duster and good old fashioned yellow dusters. She did use vinegar for glass and mirrors. She was not adverse to a bit of bicarb either. Ovens were not her thing and she felt they should be left to the experts. The more she delved into the business the more intrigued she became. There were companies who brought their own equipment and others who insisted that you supplied them with a Miele vacuum cleaner. Who knew there was so much to this industry? The one thing that struck Jenny was how essential it was to have a company name and a tabard with the name embroidered on it. Branding and standing out all seemed to matter in this industry. Later Jenny did wonder if calling her company ‘Jenny loves dirt’ was such a good idea. The Black tabard with a picture of a maid wearing a classic black and white maid outfit with a feather duster probably also gave some the wrong impression. The maid’s suspenders showing below a particularly short skirt was probably not the wisest move either, but then again. As usual Jenny pressed buy on the company website and paid for the tabard. She probably should have waited and considered the implications, but this was not Jenny’s style.

Jenny phoned Marsha at 11am but she didn’t pick up. Jenny left a voicemail and then received a text to say that Marsha had only just surfaced and needed a coffee. She would phone Jenny at 11.45 after she has showered and had her coffee. Jenny guessed that following the rather boozy lunch, Marsha had continued drinking and was now recovering from a colossal hangover.

Marsha did sound a little fragile when she called.

‘Hi Jenny, sorry but I have this migraine which always seems to come on after I have been eating dairy.’

Jenny did not comment.

‘Marsha I hope you are feeling better. I just wanted to run an idea past you.’

‘Yes I have taken one of my pills so I feel much better.’

‘Ok Marsha I have retired but I am finding that my NHS pension seems to cover just the basics and I tried to get my old job back, but it has been filled. I really don’t want to apply for benefits.’

‘Oh Jenny I hope you aren’t calling me to ask for money? I thought Tim had a good pension.’

Jenny felt a little annoyed by this comment but swallowed it in order to get to her punch line.

‘No Marsha! Tim and I like to keep our finances a little separate in retirement. I want to start my own cleaning business and wondered if I could come over and do your cleaning so you could write a review and get me started. I would do it for free!’

‘Oh Jenny that sounds wonderful and yes I have no problem with that! It is a totally win, win situation. I know how clean your house is. When can you come?’

‘When would suit you Marsha?’

‘Mrs. Moore my cleaner comes on a Monday but I always wanted her to come on a Friday so the house is clean for the weekend. It would be fantastic if you could come on Friday! If you could do 2 hours for me I would be more than happy to give you a write up on the local Neighbour Nextdoor website.’

‘Marsha I will be there. You know about other social media sites could you recommend me on them too?’

‘No problem Jenny. I know you will do a fantastic job.  See you Friday around 11.30?’

Jenny realised that Marsha was not an early riser. She wouldn’t have received her tabard by then but at least she would have gathered her essential kit and be ready to clean Marsha’s fantastic house.

 Jenny looked back on this moment and realised that you never really know someone until you have cleaned their house. We all have secrets but some have more than most.

 Jenny arrived at Marsha’s house at 11.30 and eventually a rather bedraggled Marsha answered the door. Jenny suspected Marsha was recovering from one of her ‘migraines’.

‘Oh Jenny you are always so punctual come in. Can I get you a coffee?’

‘Hi Marsha thanks but I would prefer to get on with the cleaning.’

‘Ok but I always find I perform better with some sort of stimulant.’

‘I have some water with me and that will be fine. I prefer to start at the top of the house and work down is that ok with you?’

‘Well it certainly makes sense but Mrs Moore works in the opposite direction. She always starts in the kitchen.’

‘Any particular areas you feel would benefit from a clean for the weekend?’

‘Do you change bed linen? Our bed would benefit from having clean sheets and I have guests for the weekend so the main guest bedroom would benefit from your attention. You will find freshly laundered and ironed bed linen in the cupboard on the landing. I am going to pop out for an hour I am going to the Fish Shack. Do you need anything.’

Jenny replied that she was fine and had done her main shop the day before.

Jenny realised that she didn’t actually know where Marsha and Bob’s bedroom was. Marsha escorted her to the room and left her to it.

 After Marsha left Jenny pondered on their conversation.

 Jenny wasn’t sure if the over use of ‘benefit’ had some secret meaning. The bedroom was very luxurious with one of those claw foot baths set on a tiled platform in the bay window. It was a two person bath and they would have wonderful views of Hove Park as they bathed. The plantation shutters would ensure that they could admire the views without being observed. A little central shelf which straddled the centre of the bath ensured their champagne glasses could be accommodated. The blue raw silk curtains gave an extra air of luxury. Their queen size bed with its light grey linen padded headboard and raw blue silk bed runner was also fabulous. The white linen silk and satin sheets and pillows made Jenny feel totally envious of this couple. One wall of the room was taken up with very up-market fitted wardrobes which looked like French armoires. Jenny started with the bed. She removed the bed runner, folded it and placed it on the ottoman at the end of the bed. She had always wanted a blanket box or ottoman at the foot of her bed but their bedroom was not large enough. She couldn’t resist having a peep inside. It was full of costumes and Jenny twigged that Marsha and Bob liked to spice up their sex life with a bit of fantasy. She failed to see what was sexy about Captain Hook. She would have preferred Captain Jack Sparrow herself. She didn’t understand why Marsha would want to dress up as Snow White either. There were the usual tart, vicar and nun costumes. She continued to strip the bed but didn’t expect to find a dildo under the pillow. The sheets and pillow cases looked hardly slept in. She looked for the cupboard on the landing that contained the linen but found the spare bedroom instead. It was already stripped and ready for the sheets, it was only a standard double. Jenny guessed that Marsha didn’t want her guests to feel too comfortable in case they prolonged their stay. The next door she opened was obviously Bob’s son’s room. He was away at University and was gay by the look of the pin up posters and general ambience.

 The next door she opened was definitely not something she had expected to encounter.  There was a key in the lock but it was unlocked. She opened the door and was a bit surprised and shocked. This was definitely Bob and Marsha’s red room of pain. It was certainly very red. Jenny had enjoyed reading Fifty Shades but had never felt the need to indulge in BDSM. She really couldn’t imagine being tied up by Tim and being whipped. It had one of those harnesses which was fixed to a joist in the ceiling. This would come in useful if either Marsha or Bob needed to install a hoist, the tracking would be very easy to install. Jenny felt the blood red velvet heart shaped bed at the centre of the room was a bit over the top. It had a red silk fitted sheet. Jenny wondered where you could buy such bed linen and she didn’t think it was John Lewis. They must go to specialist companies who will sell you all this stuff. ‘BDSM are us’ or such places. She would google this when she got home. She couldn’t resist opening the wardrobe. If she thought Captain Hook and Cinderella outfits were tame what was in the cupboard certainly wasn’t. Rubber seemed to be the preferred fabric and there were whips of every size and dimension. There was a row of different types of handcuffs. She knew that the metal objects were butt plugs. Jenny looked at her watch and realised she would have to get a move on. She found the linen cupboard and made up the two beds. Her trick when cleaning was always to look up. This is when you spotted cob webs and dust on picture rails. When she looked up she realised the ceiling was completely mirrored. She whizzed around Marsha and Bobs ensuite and used her trick of using a towel to shine the porcelain after cleaning it. The shower screen was attacked with Viakal. Mrs. Moore had not done this in a while. She left the bath in the bedroom gleaming. A quick damp dust of the surfaces in the bedroom and a shine with her yellow dusters definitely made a difference. She vacuumed and was not surprised to find that when she lifted the valence to clean under the bed she discovered more sex toys and other dubious looking stuff. Jenny had known that Bob had an insatiable libido but she never knew that it took a wide variety of things to satisfy him. She felt exhausted just looking at them. She sprayed the room with her special Rose and Patchouli spray and moved on to the spare room. She made the bed as quickly as she could to make up for her lost time. The ensuite in this room was pretty clean but she always liked to add a few special touches such as adding bleach to the toilet bowl. The room just needed a light dusting and a quick vacuum and it was done. She checked that all of the mirrors were smear free.

She heard Marsha return with a cheery

‘Hi I’m back! Gosh the place smells great!’

‘Hi Marsha.’ Jenny would have to compose herself and try not to look at Marsha with new eyes. Jenny remained at the top of the stairs and Marsha stood at the bottom of them.

‘Are you ready for a coffee yet?’

‘If you don’t mind I would rather crack on. I’ve finished your bedroom and the guest bedroom. Any other priorities?’

‘Wow that was quick! I guess Mrs. Moore is getting on a bit and is slow. The kitchen is spotless at the moment but I will be cooking so it will get grubby again, but I can sort that.  The utility room could do with a clean though. Can you also bring the dirty linen down. There are two laundry baskets in the utility room for dark and white laundry. If you put them in there and give the room a good clean and mop the floor I think that should be enough for now.’

Jenny wished she had a utility room but she was not living in the same world as Marsha and from now on she would be grateful that she wasn’t.

‘I am happy to whizz round the sitting room and dining room.’

‘Oh Jenny that would be great but see how you go. I am going to have a coffee and read the book club book.’

 Jenny winced and remembered that she hadn’t even started the book yet. She went upstairs to collect the dirty linen and took it to the utility room. It was all for the white linen basket, but she couldn’t stop herself looking into the dark linen one. She wasn’t surprised to find all sorts of red outfits in there. She couldn’t resist picking one up and was not surprised to find that it was a red corset. However she was surprised when she realised that it was far too big for Marsha. She couldn’t stop herself from picking up the next outfit which was a sort of red devil costume and certainly would not fit Bob. She realised that she needed to get back on task. She cleaned the Belfast sink with bleach because it was quite stained. The work top surfaces were filthy and she used her vinegar and bicarb mix to sort them out. She had forgotten her golden rule and had not looked up. When she did she realised there was a huge spider’s web sitting in the corner. Jenny had lost all faith in Mrs. Moore. She vacuumed the floor. She didn’t have a mop with her so looked for one in the tall cupboard which she felt sure must be a mop and broom cupboard. She was surprised to find that it was a cupboard to house the empty wine bottles. It was quite apparent that Marsha and Bob fuelled their lusty sessions with copious amounts of alcohol. She did find the mop and gave the room a good mopping. She had a good 30 minutes left. She went into the kitchen. Marsha was sitting in the little alcove which she called her ‘book nook’ it was just a window seat in the kitchen which Jenny found a bit pretentious.

‘The utility room is finished Marsha so I am just going to do a quick dust in the dining room and sitting room and a quick vacuum and that will be me done.’

‘Fabulous Jenny and then we can have a coffee and a chat?’

‘I would love to, but I really need to get home and do a few chores there.’

Jenny felt a bit guilty about not stopping for coffee, but she really had seen far too much about Marsha’s life style today and needed her own space and time to process it.

Jenny attacked the dusting in her usual fashion and managed to complete all that she had promised within the two hours.

Jenny did not forget to remind Marsha that she needed to put a very positive review of ‘Jenny Likes Dirt’ on the Neighbour Next Door site. Marsha assured her she would.

A very sweaty Jenny, bid the fragrant Marsha all the best as she left Marsha and Bobs fabulous home overlooking Hove Park.

Jenny walked back to her house which was in a very less salubrious part of what could just be called Hove Park, but was really just a 1930’s semi on Neville Road.

Unfortunately, Jenny had neglected to spot the cameras which were in every room in Marsha and Bob’s house. Everything she had done that morning had been seen and recorded. Jenny would live to regret her total ignorance of such equipment. How was she to know that all sorts of objects could contain a camera which would record your every action.