copyright@ Gerry Rose

Sue

 Sue hated her own company and believed that spending too much time alone led to drinking too much. To ensure that this did not happen Sue had given up drinking. It didn’t make her happier, in fact it made her quite miserable at times but she felt it might mean that she was less likely to develop some dreadful health condition and to live longer. Sometimes she wondered about the logic of this.

 Since retiring from her post as a Community Matron in the NHS and moving to Hove the more sedate sister of raucous Brighton in 2016, she had tried a panoply of activities which she felt would fill up the years that she would be gaining by giving up alcohol. She had joined the croquet club and quickly realised that whilst her teetotal state meant she had an accurate shot, she could not enjoy the social events which involved a lot of alcohol. She had always found Pimms a rather tame drink, but the Pimms at the croquet club had the added kick of vodka and rather large amounts of it too. The members seemed to quaff huge quantities of the stuff and she found that the subsequent discussions which arose from the alcohol saturated players tended to become slightly contentious. Opinions often became very divided about such important issues as dog poo disposal protocol, whether there were too many stag and hens parties going on in Brighton and whether Hove should fight to separate itself from Brighton.

 Sue had tried different crafts which she thought would be relaxing and fulfilling. She quickly realised that macrame plant pot holders, crocheted coasters and knitted mittens did not give her, or her home the sleek, chic look which she aspired to.

 She began to feel a little desperate. How does an older woman fight loneliness? She decided to share her thoughts and feelings with fellow female singletons in Hove.

Babs told her that she should never have retired, as everyone needs a purpose in life. Maria agreed and told Sue that she should read the Danish study about twins and the research carried out about the blue zones. Trish told her that alcohol releases endorphins and encouraged her to start drinking again. Apart from Ying none of her single female friends felt finding a man would make her feel happier. Ying told her that whilst Ying felt no need for a man, many women benefitted from having a loving partner in their lives. Sue had never had a truly loving partner in her life, but she knew a woman who had. Her friend Audrey, who was also 61, who was happily married and living in Sevenoaks, suggested that she sought a man on the internet. At first Sue was a little cynical but Audrey reassured her that there was no stigma attached to this method anymore and that it was what young people had to resort to now. The days of eyes meeting across a crowded room was a thing of the past, particularly now that most young people were permanently staring at a screen all of the time especially when crossing roads and in bars. Audrey felt that the young were totally incapable of seeing what was directly in front of them. She reassured Sue that even though she was old, bitter and a little jaded there would be a man for her. Sue was not too convinced and felt that where men were concerned she had always thought of herself as being a shit magnet! She had been attracting shitty men since she was 15! She could not boast a track record of happy harmonious unions.

 However, she worked hard on her dating profile. She realised that this was a bit like parading a slave in the market and having someone point out their good features. She created a fake male profile so she could spy on the competition. She noticed that men could join dating websites for very little money, but women were fleeced. Some women’s profiles were all about showing off their assets. Tits and big lips were on display. She wondered if these women felt they were liberated. She had no intention of advertising her wares by putting on a cantilever bra. She did not want to flash her cleavage, display her knobbly knees and her thin lips were never going to be considered luscious. She wanted to strike the right balance and preferred to project an image of an intelligent older female who was attractive enough and still had a certain subtle sexiness about her. She certainly was not going to follow the example of some of the women on the site who were projecting the image of a hooker on vacation! She would describe her interests and philosophy because she had always felt that the mind was the sexiest part of a person. She called it her Bill Bailey test. If Bill Bailey and George Clooney were hidden behind a screen and were told they had 2 minutes to impress her, she always knew who would win. However, she didn’t feel macrame and knitting would project the right image. She decided that her love of Improv just might and a boast about loving to go to Glyndebourne, could attract someone who was willing to invite her.

 She created a checklist which included her red flags.

Sue’s dating checklist.

No men who:

• Lived in places that Sue would not choose to live in e.g. Haywards Heath, Burgess Hill, Eastbourne, Bexhill not to mention Newhaven, Peacehaven or even Saltdean etc
• Were widowers who had been happily married for over 40 years- how could she compete with that!
• Only wore sunglasses in photos-what were they hiding?
• Dressed in lycra and posed on mountain bikes-never a good look for any middle-aged man despite what they think
• Covered in tattoos-not impressed by your desire to keep up with the yoof
• Have earrings- that phase has passed
• Wear t shirts promoting bands or with so-called witty comments-grow up!
• Wear football shirts regardless of the team
• Talk about wanting to treat a lady like a Princess
• Say they are genuine as they are probably not
• Cannot spell-no excuse these days
• Use bad grammar-we are never going to get along!

 She was delighted when the matches started arriving. She heard that men swipe right far more often than women. She was of course flattered by the number of people who were interested in her. She knew that she must stick to the criteria of her checklist. She was less than impressed by many of the profiles. She wondered why middle-aged men seemed to think that women want an action man. Many could not be bothered to write about themselves, no doubt feeling that the sight of them holding a huge fish or clad in lycra on a mountain bike would be sufficient to get into the knickers of most women. She was less than impressed by the ones who boasted that they preferred to be in a polyamorous relationship. It seemed that there were lots of men who just wanted a woman for sex with no strings attached. Go and find a sex worker would be her advice. The tactile ones were usually swiped to the left very quickly particularly if they had bad teeth. The ones that bothered to write anything, tended to have poorly spelled declarations about wanting a drama free life, or their love of having cosy nights in sitting on a sofa watching a film with a hot woman and a cold bottle of wine. Sue could sit on her own sofa anytime and have wine and watch a film if that’s what she wanted. She wanted an exciting night out.

She decided that many of the men on the site had not evolved and were adolescents at heart. She was less than impressed by some of the men who sent her winks. An attractive woman like Sue who kept herself trim by eating healthily and attending yogalates, was never going to wink back at an overweight, scruffy man who had not thought about what was going on in the background of the photo he took of himself in the mirror of his bedroom wardrobe. Why would she, who always hung her clothes up in her wardrobe, made her bed and knew what the purpose of a laundry basket was, want a man who clearly thought it was ok not to make a bed and stack a chair in the bedroom with at least a weeks’ worth of clothes clean or dirty! Who would want such a creature in their life? When she found a mutual match she stuck to the strict rule of limit the number of ping pong messages to 2, chat, delete or meet and ponder was what she would do. She was surprised by the number of men who messaged once and then just disappeared. Chatting on the phone was important to her. A voice can reveal a lot about a person. She quickly learned that if someone sounded boring, had an adenoidal whine or were unable to form a sentence, there was really no point in meeting for a coffee.

Once she started dating she would keep a diary. Who was it who said, ‘Keep a diary and perhaps someday it will keep you.’