copyright@ Gerry Rose

YING

 Ying was glad to get back to her house in Shakespeare Street Hove. The book club meeting had been quite emotionally draining. ‘The Underground Railway’ was a book which triggered Marsha who claimed her family had profited from the slave trade. Ying was convinced that Jenny never actually reads the books.  She found meeting on a Tuesday night was also not good for her. She had to get up at 6am to go to work and found it really hard to sleep after an evening of discussion which at times wound her up. The latest member of the book club seemed to call all of the shots and Ying was considering leaving this one and joining another. She was the only single woman in the book club. She had little in common with any of them. Marsha and Jenny lived in Hove Park and definitely thought they were a cut above Ying. Terry lived in Poets’ corner too but was quick to tell Ying that they had one of the large houses in Westbourne Street. There were the usual remarks about how brave she was, living alone and still working. Their lives appeared so charmed in comparison to hers. She wondered how they could be so boastful about their lifestyles in front of her. Her life was a slog. She worked full time and there was no one else to help her pay her bills. She made a cup of green tea and spent some time winding down before going to bed. 

 Ying found it hard to tolerate people who claimed to be so liberal, yet rarely were. She often felt like a fish out of water in Hove. People she had met tended to be privileged. They viewed Ying as a sort of exotic bird who had flown into their lives. Her differences always seemed to be something they commented on. She suspected that they were unaware of the fact that they had a sense of entitlement. Ying didn’t really understand the British class system. She was not willing to learn about it either. She took people at face value. She had known real hardship and poverty when she lived in Vientiane. That was all in her past but the scars ran deep.

 Her ex-husband used to say that she had what the British called ‘a chip on her shoulder’. She always found this to be a very odd expression. Ying missed her husband even though their marriage ended in divorce. He had dual American and British citizenship and she wouldn’t be living in England if he had not entered her life. He was 16 years older than her. Older and wiser he used to claim. All she knew was that no man she had met since could match him. Her daughters had inherited a mixture of their looks. They had her black hair, her eye shape, but oddly his green eyes. They too were exotic, but they had always felt that they belonged in the U.K. and in America too, where they both lived and worked as doctors. They were so confident and never apologised for who they were.

 Ying experienced racism on a daily basis. At the hospital where she worked as an intensive care nurse, the policy was zero tolerance of racism etc. You can have every policy you like, but you can’t stop people having their own thoughts. They might not be able to make racist remarks, or actively discriminate against you but Ying had learned that racism can be very subtle. A so-called friend had once visited her home and asked her if she enjoyed living in a Chinese restaurant. She had been told that it was embarrassing to be asked to remove shoes when entering her home. She had lost count of the number of times she was asked what tricks she could perform by men.

 Ying got ready for bed and performed her nightly rituals. She would show gratitude for the good things that had happened to her that day. She would recite her mantras that were pinned to her notice board. She would honour Buddha and her ancestors at the shrine she kept in her bedroom.

 Before she drifted off to sleep she thought about her ex-husband. He had met her when she was working in the hotel he was staying in. She was only 18 and he had known how to seduce her. He called her his lotus flower. In her culture the lotus flower was a symbol of purity, strength and resilience. She knew that he had been strongly sexually attracted to her. She had been very innocent and easily led. He was charming and he had an aura of western sophistication. His obvious wealth was also appealing. She was so flattered that this older man found her attractive.  Her parents encouraged the relationship, as they realised she would be able to lead a much better life with this man. Looking back she was aware that things had happened very quickly. They were married after only 6 weeks of knowing each other. Things were very different in 1976.

 Ying never thought her life would turn out like it has. Whilst she is pleased to have two very beautiful and successful daughters she never thought that she would end up living alone at the age of 58. Who wants to live alone? Having been married she knows what being married is like and she was happy even though her husband wasn’t.  She had realised shortly after her marriage that her husband never really loved her.

  She didn’t believe that people would actively choose to live alone and it would always be because they just hadn’t found the right person. She didn’t think it was natural to live alone. She had flings over the years usually with people she had met on trains and planes, but they had not worked out and she had blamed herself.

 Ying slept poorly but when the alarm went off she realised a thought had entered her head as she slept. She wanted to get married again. Ying believed that if you ask the universe it will provide. She had lived in Hove for over ten years and had done her very best to have a good social life, but something was always missing. Of course she would never admit that to anyone. She could not abide self-pity. In her culture it was important to appear to be happy and successful. Ying truly believed that a woman needed the love of a man. She had many good female and male friends, but it was not enough. Ying didn’t think she was strange to have this thought.

 She was told some time ago that internet dating would not be good for her. Ying had avoided it for many years believing that she would meet her ideal man through friends, or at a Meetup. This had never happened and she felt that the older she got the less likely she was to meet someone that way. Ying had had enough of living alone and pretending that she was enough, so she decided she would invest in internet dating. The thought of writing an advert about herself was galling and she knew that many men would not see her for who she really was. They would see her as their fantasy girlfriend and think she would be submissive. Her mother used to tell her that men courted women expecting a cute kitten but did not realise a tiger lurked beneath the surface. Ying thinks this is why her marriage failed. She was a bit of a cute kitten to start with but then her tiger emerged. The day Ying harnessed her yang was the beginning of the end. Ying was determined that in any future relationship her tiger would be ever present. She would only respect a man who knew how to cope with her tiger.

  After work she would write some new mantras and compose her advert. She needed some photographs which were flattering. Ying would ask her friend Trish to send some of the photos that Trish had taken at a Meetup a few weeks ago. She did not want to post any photos which would appeal to anyone’s sexual fantasies. She believed in being very specific about what she had to offer. She was also clear about what she wanted. She wanted a man who would take her seriously and not treat her as a sex object. She liked men who were intelligent and could teach her new things. She wanted a sophisticated man who knew how to behave correctly in the circles she moved in. She liked men who were well travelled. She wanted to be wooed and treated well. She preferred men who had money and good taste. Looks were important too. She would not want to be seen with a man who didn’t know how to dress well and was unkempt.

 Ying had standards and she had no intention of lowering them.

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